ALIENATION BY A LOVED ONE

Have you alienated a loved one...a parent, grandparent, sibling, child or friend? Do you know that it hurts that person to the very core of their being? And, that it can make that person or YOU physically ill? I've been thinking about writing this for a long time, because I've been on the alienated end of this situation, and have been for too long a time.

On April 1st it will be 2 years since I have seen my daughter; oh, I've heard from her...hateful words in an email written on Halloween of the first year, and ending with "DO NOT CONTACT ME". I hate to say it, but that about finished me off emotionally. I think the thing that hurts the most is that she won't give me a chance by telling me (or writing me) the issues that she has. From the way she has turned from a sweet loving daughter who I've always been close to, to a daughter who obviously hates me for something I did, or didn't do, she should be able to tell me or write to me about it.

I know that over she and my son's growing up years I was not a perfect mother...if anyone thinks they can be a "perfect" mother, they are wrong. No matter how hard you try as a parent, you are always going to make mistakes, or what they view as mistakes. You can only do your best at the time, with what you have to work with. As God is my witness, that is what I always TRIED hard to do. I know of of many times when I actually put them first, above all other relationships, and even ended some relationships because they were not the best situations for my children. Yes, I divorced their father when they were 3 and 6 yrs. of age; but part of the reason I did was because our relationship was hurting THEM. He wasn't a bad father, but the fact that he was unfaithful to their mother, and didn't know truth from fantasy, was definitely affecting them. I tried hard over the years not to bias them against him or make them feel bad about themselves, but the fact that I took their father from them is something I feel they both resent. I also feel that my son has forgiven me for any shortcomings, and has said that he loves me and always will. That means so much to me, and I've told him so.

The reason I feel it's so important to let you all know how this has affected me is that, in the BIG scheme of things, NOTHING is so important that it should take us away from those we love, and rob us of precious time we could spend with them.

In addition to missing my daughter, her daughter (our granddaughter) is also missing from our lives, and we miss her terribly. These are her grade school years when extended family is so important to grandchildren. I still think of us getting her started in gymnastics and getting to take her to her practices. Those were precious times. And what must she think?? Where's grandma and grandpa now? Have they deserted me? I pray every day that her little mind and heart are protected.

And how has it affected us? All summer long the first summer, I could not sleep but maybe a couple hours a night, and could not stop crying day and night. My poor husband felt helpless and could only hold me until I went to sleep. I got so depressed that I even had thoughts of suicide..."why not just end this by crossing the center line while driving home?" But I could not do that to another person, or hurt other loved ones in my family. Then, after going to the doctor with my husband, and breaking down in her office, she felt the need to put me on an anti-depressant. I do feel better lately emotionally, and can actually sleep at night. But I feel as if this whole thing has taken about 10 years off our lives. I am experiencing some new health issues now and waiting for test results that will determine how I live the rest of my life. But I feel that even if my daughter knew about it, she would not care.

When someone alienates you, it is almost as bad as losing that person to death...it's as if they have chosen to throw you away like you were garbage. So I feel that what we have gone through is like mourning a slow death. If you have alienated someone you love, ask yourself how you would feel if that person's life was snuffed out, they were in a horrendous accident or something, and you never got the chance to make amends. That almost happened to us one night. We were returning home, and because we stopped for a few minutes to pick up a loaf of bread, we missed a terrible fatal accident that was a few minutes from our house. So, please, we never know how much time we're going to get in this life...and NONE of us can afford to let a loved one go to their grave unforgiven.

Please pray about your own situation, and ask God for a time when you can sit down peaceably with that person, and get it taken care of. That person is probably just waiting for the opportunity, and probably loves you enough to listen. If boundaries have been crossed and you need more space...TELL them. I love my daughter enough to listen to anything she has to say, not give excuses or point fingers, but really LISTEN. I want us to be a whole family again; in the meantime, my husband and I are counting our blessings for what we do have, and looking forward to a better New Year. And that's part of "Becoming God's Woman"...ask forgiveness if you need to, and forgive those who have hurt you. God hates discontent. Set yourself and your loved ones FREE so that God can make you ALL that you can be.